


i began to understand (why god died)

by banditoheart (2space_lesbo1)



Series: Snowboard One Shots [3]
Category: SK8 the Infinity (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making Up, NOT Religious, Not Canon Compliant, i mean it could be, mentions of adam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:28:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29627043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2space_lesbo1/pseuds/banditoheart
Summary: langa just couldnt understand what happened last night.
Relationships: Hasegawa Langa/Kyan Reki
Series: Snowboard One Shots [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2190897
Comments: 17
Kudos: 297





	i began to understand (why god died)

**Author's Note:**

> hihihihihihihihi
> 
> i needed to write this or i would have died from sadness. 
> 
> that is all.
> 
> (title is from the song "a car, a torch, a death" by twenty one pilots)

Langa just couldn't understand what happened last night. 

What happened? Why did it happen? Did he do something wrong? Was Reki upset with him? If so, what did he do? Why hadn't Reki said something sooner? 

Did Reki hate him? 

That thought alone is enough to make him curl tighter in on himself, hidden beneath the safety of his covers. His chest is aching, worse than before, and not in the exciting way it did when he was having fun skating. No, this was something different. It was something painful and all consuming, making it hard for him to even breathe or focus. 

“ _ We’re not a good match anymore.”  _

What did Reki mean by that? Did he not want to be his friend anymore? Was he going to leave him? 

Was he going to leave him behind like his father had?

Langa just couldn't understand. 

Reki was his friend. His best, and closest friend. What did he do wrong? How had he upset Reki? 

Yes, he was breaking his promise to stay away from Adam, but Langa couldn't help himself. And he'd thought Reki would understand. He normally did when it came to skating. Reki loves anything to do with skating, so Langa had been sure that he'd understand the excitement and anticipation he was feeling at the thought of skating with him again, even if the man as a whole creeped him out. 

But Reki had disagreed. 

He'd been  _ afraid _ . 

And Langa had been too caught up in the adrenaline to even realize it. 

How had he not realized it? He was supposed to be Reki’s friend, how could he not read him correctly? How could he have not seen that  _ Reki is terrified of Adam- _

Something hot and wet is sliding down his cheek, and he realizes, feeling far from his body, that he'd started to cry. He bites down his lip to hold back a sob, not wanting to disturb his mom’s well deserved and needed sleep. 

It was a sleepless night. 

  
  
  


Reki wouldn't even look at him at school. 

In fact, Langa tried to catch his gaze multiple times throughout the day. He tried to call to him whenever he saw him outside or in the hallways, to chase after him, but Reki never broke pace, never looked back at him. Didn't even acknowledge him. 

It made him feel horrible. 

Reki had to hate him. 

He came upon this realization during their class, when he'd been hoping to finally speak to Reki. But instead, he's met with the face of some other guy in their class that had swapped seats with Reki. Now, Reki was on the complete otherside of the class from him. 

The guy who'd taken Reki’s place had smiled sheepishly at him, and then apologized. 

“He said he'd do my homework for the next few days,” he'd told Langa, not that Langa was really paying attention. Instead, he was staring at the back of Reki’s head, willing the other boy to turn and look back at him. “Sorry about whatever happened between you two. You always seem inseparable.” 

Langa hadn't responded, because it didn't matter. 

Reki hates him. 

He has to. 

That's why he was ignoring and avoiding him. That's why he'd broken their friendship, and inconsequentially, his heart in half. 

Reki hates him. 

The thought makes him want to cry all over again. 

Instead, he spaces out as he usually does, not wanting to think about anything. 

The rest of the day passes by in a blur. He doesn't even try to talk to Reki after class. 

Reki walks a different route back home. 

He has to skate. He needs to shake it all off, to get back into. He could focus on that- that was good. Skating was always good(not without reki). Skating makes him happy(with reki skating beside him). 

He heads to S later that night, once more alone. Miya meets him at the entrance, and clearly takes notice that Reki is not with him. The younger boy frowns at the empty spot behind Langa, and opens his mouth to speak, but Langa hardly even processes his presence. He merely walks past him, gaze locked on the track. 

He could go faster than before. He could go further. He could go higher. So high, he wouldn't have to look back down again(and see that reki wasn't waiting for him below). 

He throws his skateboard down on the ground- too hard, too rough, Reki would have reprimanded him for the tough treatment on the shaft- and slams his foot in the center, already tensing his muscles for take off. 

But before he could even push at the ground, someone’s hand was on his shoulder. He wants to ignore it, to push off and skate faster, faster, fasterfasterfaster _ fasterfasterfaster _ \- but the hand is tight, and won't release him. 

He spins around, his lips a thin line and his brows drawn closer together than they usually were. Shadow and Miya are standing behind him, expressions of concern on their faces. 

“Reki isn't with you again?” Shadow asked, frowning, his skateboard held at his side. “He didn't come last time, either.”

Pointless. This conversation was pointless(it hurts. he doesn't want to think about reki anymore). He could be skating, could be  _ flying,  _ but Shadow and Miya seem insistent on speaking with him anyway. 

“No.” Langa responded simply, wishing for them to take the hint and leave him alone. 

But instead, Miya and Shadow exchange a worried glance, and then look back at him. 

They still wanted to talk. 

Langa doesn't want to talk. 

“Last time I saw him, he looked really upset,” Miya said, quieter than he normally spoke. He looked vulnerable, like his worry for Reki was going to hurt him. And maybe it was. It certainly was hurting Langa. Now if he could just  _ skate _ \- “Was it what those people said that got to him?”

That causes Langa to pause, to focus his full attention on them. What? What who had said? Were people being cruel to Reki, and Langa hadn't even noticed? Were people saying things to him that Langa could have protected him from? 

Langa was supposed to be protecting Reki. He  _ wants _ nothing  _ more  _ than to protect Reki. 

But it seems as if he's failing miserably. Both as a friend, and in his desire to shield Reki. 

“What are you talking about?” Langa asked, one of his hands clenching into a fist at his side. What did they say to him? Is that why Reki is so upset? Because people are being cruel to him and Langa hadn't even noticed? 

If so, Reki deserved to be angry with Langa. What kind of friend was he? 

Reki was always keeping an eye on him, making sure he stayed happy even when he was sad. Always offering him a helping hand whenever he fell both physically and metaphorically. 

Where was Langa’s helping hand when Reki needed it? 

“Well,” Shadow said, letting out a large breath. He looks guilty, suddenly. Why does he look guilty? “Miya and I were teasing him the other night, saying how much better you are at skating than him already.” Oh. Oh no. “And he must have taken notice of what other people were saying seriously. I hope he doesn't think I meant it seriously, I'm trying to do better…” 

Langa’s blood was running cold. “What are they saying?” 

He doesn't want to know. But he needs to know, for Reki’s sake. He owed it to Reki after failing him so spectacularly. 

Miya averts his gaze, clearly just as guilty as Shadow. “Well…” he trails off, looks up at Shadow for help. 

“They're calling him some lowlife that hangs around you,” Shadow said bluntly, like he was ripping off a bandaid. And he might as well have. Langa winced. “They don't even know his name. Say he's some horrible skater who shouldn’t be around you.” 

Both of his hands are clenched now, his chest aching, his heart pounding. His blood is rushing through his eyes, his jaw clenched tightly. “And why do they get to decide that?” Langa asked, his voice cold and quiet. Miya’s eyes widen at his tone, and the younger boy seems to almost draw away from his cold fury. “Reki is my  _ friend _ .” 

And with that, Langa kicks his board into his hand and rushes all the way back to his motorcycle without even another word. 

He needs to speak with Reki again. 

  
  


Reki’s mom answers the door after his third knock. She looks tired, hair ruffled and her eyelids heavy. She smiles when he sees him, but she can tell it's strained. She must have noticed Reki’s down mood, too, then. 

“Ah, Langa,” she said in greeting, and ushers him inside. He's grateful. The wind outside still carries a chill. He slides his shoes off, and waits for her to speak again. “Are you here to see Reki?” At his nod she lets out a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank goodness. I’ve been worried about him- he's been shut in his room all day. Could you please help him? I know he responds better to you.” 

Langa wasn't so sure of that fact anymore. 

He and Reki had been extremely close, and they mutually enjoyed being with the other. But now Langa doesn't know if Reki even wants to see him anymore. 

Judging by earlier, he didn't. But Langa understands the situation better, now. And he was going to make it better. 

“I'll do my best,” he responded respectfully, and she gestures for him to head for Reki’s room. He does so immediately, knowing the way to his room by memory at this point. 

And then he's standing in front of Reki’s door. The hallway lights are off, casting him in darkness, and he knows at this point in the day Reki’s mom has just finished putting his younger siblings to bed, so he has to be quiet. He is quiet on the outside, but on the inside, is a large storm of fear and anxiety. 

It's usually so easy to talk to Reki, why is he so scared now?

Oh. Because Reki probably hates him. 

He steels himself with a deep breath through his nose, releasing it out of his mouth. 

He reaches a hand up and knocks on the door. 

A moment of silence. 

“I'm not hungry, Mom.” it was Reki’s voice. Langa hadn't realized how much he'd missed hearing him speak the past day; how much he'd been aching to hear his voice again. It was almost like a calming song in a raging storm, helping him to slow his racing heart. 

“...May I come in?” Langa asks slowly, hesitantly, and he can basically feel the shock and fear emanating from Reki through his door. It makes the tips of his fingers twitch. “It's Langa.” 

More silence. 

And all Langa wants to do is step into Reki’s room, pull him close and hug him tightly. He wants nothing more than to chase away Reki’s doubts and fears and sadness. 

But he refrains himself. 

He doesn't want to make Reki uncomfortable. 

Even still, he nearly goes insane waiting for some kind of response from Reki. It feels like an eternity, when it was probably a mere few minutes, until footsteps are approaching the door and it is sliding open, revealing Reki’s room to be plunged in darkness. And Reki. 

Oh, Reki. 

There are bags under his eyes, which are rimmed with pinks and reds, the tip of his nose scarlet. His skin is paler than usual, his hair a mess compared to the fluff it was every other day. It's stuck together in crusted clumps, strands sticking out wildly and in his eyes. He's trembling, even though his house and room are warm, and his lips are shaking. 

And his eyes. How dull they are compared to their usual brightness, their usual happiness, is what hurts Langa the most. They look so empty, so defeated, and it rips at Langa’s heart. 

“What are you doing here, Langa?” Reki asked, his voice thick, his nose stuffy. “I thought you'd be at S getting ready to skate with Adam.” His words tremble at the end, like he was trying to not cry again. 

Again. 

He'd been crying. 

Crying in the dark. Alone. 

Without Langa there to comfort him. 

“I…” Langa forgets everything he'd been planning on saying, planning on doing. He hadn't thought he'd ever see Reki in this state. So broken and vulnerable. It makes Langa want to hug him and never let him go, to press kisses to his forehead and cheeks until he stops crying. He wants to cup his cheeks and look into his eyes and run his fingers through his hair until he felt better again. 

He can't even say anything. 

Reki frowns at him deeply, sniffling. “Just go away,” he muttered, his voice turning small. And Langa’s throat constricts at the sound, at the way Reki averts his eyes to the side. “I already told you we don't match any-”

“Please don't say that!” Langa exclaimed, shocking both of them at his loud interruption. His voice was raised with his desperation, breaking his calm and quiet tone. One of his hands had instinctively jutted out at Reki instinctively, like he was about to grab a fistful of his shirt, or maybe even gather his hand in his own. Instead, it just hangs there uselessly, his fingers twitching in the air. Reki falls silent, his eyes wide at Langa’s sudden outburst. Langa does his best to calm himself, his hand returning to his side. “Please don't say that.” he repeats, quieter this time. 

“Why not?” Reki said, and his voice is thicker now. Oh, god. He's on the verge of tears. Langa swallows heavily, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. “It's the truth.” 

Langa shakes his head vigorously, setting his jaw and narrowing his eyes determinedly. “No, it's not,” he said, straightening his back. Reki stares at him through tired eyes, but he presses on anyway. “Reki, please don't think that. Please don't think you're worse than me. You're not-”

“But I am!” Reki shouts, his shoulders hiking up to his ears, his eyes screwing shut. Langa thinks he hears him sob. “You're on another level than me- I'll just slow you down! You'll just leave me behind!”

Langa’s eyes widen in fear, fear that Reki is going to withdraw again and slam the door on his face. He does look ready to do just that, so Langa reaches out and grabs both of his hands before he is able, being sure to keep his grip tight enough to make sure Reki doesn't shake him off like had the night before. “No, Reki!” he exclaimed, his voice near desperate as he took a step closer, finding Reki’s gaze and holding it. “I would never,  _ ever _ leave you behind. Don’t believe what anyone else says. You're my friend. You're important to me. I'm  _ never  _ leaving you behind. Please believe me!” he's basically begging now. Begging for Reki to see the truth. Begging for Reki to understand. 

Begging for Reki to not hate him. 

Reki doesn't say anything, his mouth hanging open, his eyes wide, so Langa presses on. 

“Reki… you’re the one who taught me how to skate,” he points out, growing more sure, more determined. “You're the one who made my board to perfectly match what I needed. You're the one who became my friend, even though I am strange. And you're the one I love to skate with the most. You amaze me every time you skate, too! You're extremely important to me, Reki, and not just because of skating. I…” He trails off, the words getting caught in his throat. Was he really going to say it outloud, now? He's afraid to. But then he sees Reki looking at him fully, his gaze filled with so much hope and that light he'd  _ missed  _ and he knows he can't not say it at this point. 

“I love you, Reki,” Langa finally admits, with all of the love and convocation he could muster in the words. Reki gasps, his cheeks flushing red, tears pooling in the corners of his eyes, his hands tightly holding Langa’s in return. “I love you so much, and I never want to leave your side. So… so please, don't leave mine.” 

They fall silent again, and Langa has to look away from Reki’s eyes, in case he sees disgust, in case he sees rejection or the hate he was so afraid of seeing in those amber pools. 

But then Reki is crying, a sob shaking his entire body, and Langa has to look back up, his heart twisting at the sight of Reki crying. 

And he can't stop himself anymore. 

He wraps his arms around Reki’s shoulders, pulling the smaller boy close, pressing their chests together. He buries his nose in the thick locks of bright red hair, pressing Reki’s face into his neck, his hand cradling the back of his head. Reki’s entire body is shaking with his quiet cries, and it takes only a moment for his arms to wrap around Langa’s waist, his fingers grabbing fistfuls of the taller boy’s jacket like a lifeline. 

“Do- do you- mean that?” Reki asks between gasps, and Langa doesn't care that his neck and shirt are growing damp. “You- you mean i- it?” 

Langa tightens his hold on Reki, taking in the smell of his hair. It was some kind of shampoo- which smelt of apples. Langa thinks it suited him. 

“From the bottom of my heart,” Langa replied, his voice slightly muffled by Reki’s hair. He draws back momentarily to press a light kiss to his forehead, gaining another small sob from the shorter boy. He meets his eyes again, and offers him a small smile. “I don't think I've loved anyone as much as I've loved you. So please, never think I'll leave you.” 

Reki sniffles, before sobbing louder than before, nuzzling back into the safety of Langa’s neck, his arms tightening, his cries growing. 

Langa doesn't mind. 

He held Reki tighter, and gently guided him back into his room. He slides the door shut with one of his feet, not wanting to possibly disturb the rest of the house anymore. 

He presses another kiss into Reki’s hair, and his grip on his clothes tightens. 

“I- I-” Reki sobs into his neck, rubbing his face against his skin. He doesn't mind. “I- I'm s- sorry!” he's wailing at this point, and Langa can't stop himself from rocking them side to side gently, his hand instinctively rubbing up and down the curve of his back. “I- I never sh- 

should have s- said that! I'm s- sorry! I- I'm s- s- sorry!!” 

He continues to repeat similar phrases, and Langa holds him throughout it all. 

“I forgive you, Reki,” Langa muttered gently, and doesn't even try to fight the urge to kiss Reki again. He presses his lips to the shorter boy’s temple, letting it linger a moment longer. He'd wanted to kiss Reki for sometime now, so he had a lot of kisses to give him. “I know you were scared. I'm sorry I hadn't noticed. And I'm sorry for almost breaking our promise. I won't, if it worries you that much.”

Reki’s crying somehow grows louder at that, but Langa doesn't mind. 

Langa doesn't mind holding him as long as he needs. Reki is warm in his arms, and solid, reminding him that Reki didn't leave, that Reki doesn't hate him. 

“I-” Reki cuts himself off, taking a deep but shaky breath. He draws away only a few inches back so that he could meet Langa’s gaze again, his cheeks flushed, his eyes uncertain. It takes him a few seconds, but Langa is patient, and uses the time to brush the tears from his cheeks with a thumb, to press another kiss to his forehead. Reki stutters, before trying again, “I- I… love you, too. I love you so much. I'm so sorry.” 

And Langa’s beyond happy, beyond ecstatic. This feeling, this wonder and joy of Reki’s confession, was more rewarding, and so, so much better than any race he could have with Adam. 

He wants to share the joy, the happiness that was buzzing through his veins with Reki. 

So, he leans forward, and before he could think better of it, he presses his lips to Reki’s, just hearing the short boy’s gasp. 

But Reki doesn't pull back. In fact, he presses forward, his teary eyes sliding shut in utter bliss. 

Langa’s hands come up to cup his damp cheeks, his thumbs rubbing circles in the spots below his eyes lightly. Reki’s hands stayed where they were, still holding onto his jacket tightly. 

The kiss is gentle and slow, and doesn't go much further than lips against lips, but it was still the most wonderful feeling in the world. Reki’s lips are just as warm as the rest of the boy, and Langa could just taste cherry chapstick on them. 

They draw away from one another rather reluctantly a few minutes later, and they stare at one another, breathless, eyes wide, and full of love. 

“I love you, Langa,” Reki repeated, and his voice is no longer thick with tears, no longer shaking with sadness. It's full of love and admiration and Langa can feel his stomach tingling with butterflies. 

“I love you, too, Reki.”

Reki doesn't hate him. 

Reki loves him. 

And that's enough for Langa. 

**Author's Note:**

> please comment if you liked ;3;


End file.
